My Little Mikey: Cokane Is Magic

Rating: R

Fandom: MCR, FOB, MLP:FIM, Team Crafted, LMFAO

Ships: Frerard, Mikey Way/Derpy Hooves, past Petekey, various random others implied or in the background

Warnings: drugs, discussions of racial issues, beastiality, sexual humor. MAJOR CRACK so none of this is taken seriously

Mikey goes on a journey across equestria to make his brother's ROYAL WEDDING perfect!!!

Once upon a time Gerald Way was the princess of all of equestria. he was a gray alicorn with a long fabulous black mane and his cutiemark was a razor with a rosary. He was getting married to frank who was not a pony, but a brony. to celebrate teh royal wedding!!! he summoned his loyal servant and also little brother mikey who was a pegasus to help with the celebrations.

"okay so 18 pounds of cokane, 12 pounds of crake, and 7 male stripers," gerard instructed mikey. "but make sure none of them are white, i cant see the coke on them if they are."

"ok celestia i mean gera" mikey said. his mind was panicking panicly (at teh disco)... he didnt know any male stripers!!! 

and so mikey setted out across equestria. first he went to cloudsdale but he saw frank yiffing rainbow dash so he left and went to ponyville. there were a lot of beautiful stallions in ponyville, of all different colors. he just had to find out who was a striper. 

mikey first clopped (ew not like that) up to a tall red stallion. the cokane would surely show well against his dark coat. 

"hello sir" mikey said, smiling. "my brother is looking for male stripers to dance at his wedding"

"that's nice but i'm not a striper," the stallion said, "i work at mcdonalds."

"oh" mikey said sadly because the stallion was really hot. "do you know any male stripers?"

"yeah," the stallion said. "my friend sugar cube is a male striper. he lives at 27 candy cane lane, go ask him."

mikey nodded and went to 27 candy cane lane. he hoofed on the door and waited patiently for someone to answer the door, and it suddenly opened, but…

"youre WHITE!" mikey cried. "i can't bring my brother white stripers!"

"what" sugar cube said. "your brother sounds kind of ractis if he only wants black stripers. get the fuck out of my house" and then he slammed the door on mikey. mikey frowned sadly. gerard wasn't a toyota ractis, was he? mikey would know if he was related to a car.

mikey flew back to canterlot dejectedly and feeling like he was personally attacked, even though he wasn't, because it still hurt to hear accusations like being a toyota ractis levied against someone he loved. He sat at the cafe looking kind of sad until his very good friend, ray toro, came in. ray saw mikey being sad and sat at the table with him.

"hey miky" ray said "what's wrong?"

"gerard wants 7 male stripers to dance at their wedding," mikey explained with his head in his hooves, "but they said none of the stripers can be white and someone said they were a ractis when i said that."

"that does kind of sound like they're fetishizing POC," ray toro said so intelligently because he was a horse who understanded real life human identity politics because he was so intelligent.

"well they aren't" mikey said guiltily "it just matters for the party its a surprise so i cant tell you why though"

"oh ok" ray said and stopped caring. "well then no your brother isn't a car. i know 7 male performers but they didnt tell me what they do actually so im not sure if theyre stripers or not but you can ask. and they are korean"

mikey didn't know what color korea was, but he was in desperate need of male stripers. "okay then have them meet me at the palace tomorrow."

the next day mikey woke up and shining armor from the royal guard ran up to him and said "my lord you have 7 visitors who are korean. they are BTS"

"oh okay" mikey said and went out to visit them. joe biden was there too but he ignored him to look at the 7 korean ponies. to his horror korea was a very pale color apparently.

"hi mikey way" jungkook said koreanly. 

"sorry you cant stripe at my brother's wedding you are very pale" mikey decided and frowned. "also joe biden we don't want any girl scout cookies."

joe biden left. jungkook got very sad and also left and so did the rest of BTS. 

mikey sighed and walked out onto a balcony and cried at the sky. all he wanted was to make his brother’s wedding day truly specia… but he couldn’t find the 7 male stripers that would make it perfect! 

nonsense… he had to stay strong. mikey spreaded his beautiful pegasus wings and took to the sky. if he wanted to find his brother 7 male stripers… he would have to brave the HORRORS of cloudsdale. and he would be so strong and brave about it, even if frank and rainbow dash were having horse sex.

mikey flew to cloudsdale, but then, suddenly, he bumped into someone while he was flying. their hooves wrapped around each other as they fell onto a cloud, and mikey landed on his wings. he blushed and looked up at whoever had collided with him.

“derpy!!!” mikey yelled angrily and bucked his hind legs to push derpy off him, then sat up. “watch where you’re flying!”

“sorry mikeyway” derpy said herpily. “what are you doing around here? you never come to cloudsdale.”

“no i don’t but… ugh! i’m in serious need of male stripers!”

“oh” derpy said a little sadly and rubbed her leg with her hoof. “i didn’t know you were…. g-gay…”

“what?” mikey said “no! no i’m not gay derpy god! i’m bisex!”

“oh i still have a chance?” derpy asked and blushed. 

“what?” mikey said

“um, nevermind,” derpy said, then asked, “why do you need male stripers?”

“i-it’s for my brother’s wedding!” mikey said and blushed blushily red like a tomato or a red crayon maybe. “he’s getting gay married to a BRONY. and he wants 7 male stripers to dance at their wedding… but none of them can be white, and i don’t know any male stripers who aren’t white, and everyone i ask keeps calling gerard a ractis!”

mikey sobbed and put his head in his hooves. “i just don’t know what went wrong!”

“huh… i would volunteer but i’m a girl,” derpy said girlyly and frowned. “i know a few male stripers who aren’t white.”

“realy!?” mikey mikeyed. “i must meet them!!”

“ok…” derpy said insecurley. “but i only know 2 of them.”

“two is bigger than zero” mikey mathed. 

“well ok.” derpy said and taked mikey by the hoof. mikey blushed at the feeling of derpy’s hoof against his… she was so kawaii uwu and hot. she held mikey’s hoof in hers and flew him to ponyville. when they landed on the ground derpy took mikey to a club. 

“HI” said a pony with a cool helmet on for some reason when they walked in. he sounded german. “WELCOME TO KLÜB ICE. I AM THE OWNER BRUNOO~~~~”

“hi bruno” derpy derped. “are redfoo and skyblu here today?”

“ja they are!” bruno said “they are in the VIP lounge”

“ok sick” derpy said and lead mikey into the VIP lounge. two ponies in thongs, one blue pegasus and one red earth pony, were giving a lap dance to a yellow pegasus with a curly brown mane. 

“oh JA!” the yellow pony yelled pleasuredly. 

“hold on” the red pony said and walked over to derpy. “what are you doing here derpy? i am TRYING to PUT MY A$$ TO WORK”

“sorry” derpy said “my friend here wanted to know if you and skyblu would stripe at teh royal wedding.” 

“what?” redfoo said gasply. “of course we will stripe at teh royal wedding! why didnt you say so!” 

“AHEM” the yellow pony cleared their throat and slapped skyblu’s ass and skyblu moaned like a hentai. derpy and mikey blushed.

“sorry derpyhooves, i gotta put my a$$ back to work,” redfoo said, then gave mikey his business card. “call me when i get off.”

“more like when you get ME off!” the butter-colored pony said.

mikey looked at derpy and blushed. “wow you also have a nickname that’s just your first and last name as one word?”

derpy blushed and nodded. “y-yeah…”

“wow. let’s get outta here,” mikey said and then they went to the door. but then…

“once you are in klüb icE you cannot get out” bruno said germanly. “you are stuck.”

“we are stuck!?” mikey said. “but i have to give my brother redfoo’s business card!”

“you are stuck” bruno said again. 

mikey frowned and went back to the vip lounge. “ummm bruno said we cannot get out?”

the buttery yellow buttery butter colored butter pony gaped and suddenly yelled in germanly, “EVERYBODY RUN TO MY YACHT!!!”

“WHAT?” mikey said confused. suddenly the butter pony broke a window and jumped out. mikey and derpy looked at each other confused and left through the broken window. 

"wat the fuck" said mikey. he was satting in a bush. the bush did 9/11. 

"ow my head hurts" the butter pony said. they were no longer german. mikey looked at them confused.

"who are you" mikey said.

"im sky but my friends call me skydoesminecraft."

"oh ok" mikey looked at derpy and derpy shrugged. then mikey said, "skydoesminecraft do you know any more male stripers? they can't be white though."

"hmm!" sky hmmed and tapped their hoof to their chin. "well, i know a guy… he isn't a striper but he would probably stripe if you asked him to. and then there's jerome but i can't tell if he's brown or just hairy and he's also stuck in a bookcase."

"well i don't want stripers who get stuck in bookcases," mikey mused, and then said, "what's the other guy's name?"

"Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III."

mikey gasped.

mikey and derpy stood at Pete Wentz's door in chicago. 

"mikey, you don't have to go in if you're nervous," derpy said and put her hoof around mikey's neck. "i can tell him."

"no… no i have to face the demons of my past… Warped Tour 2005."

derpy blushed and smiled at the ground. mikey was so brave and strong, and determined…

mikey knocked on the door and Pete Wentz answered it. he was a beautiful black stallion with a bleach-blond mane braided in cornrows. 

"mikeyway?" Pete asked with wide eyes. "what are you doing in chicago?"

"oh i was just, like, in town," mikey lied, hoofing at the ground awkwardly. "i just, um, wanted to invite you to my brother's wedding."

"oh," Pete said with a little frown. "who's this? is this your new girlfriend?"

"what?" mikey said and looked at derpy blushing. derpy blushed too. 

"no i'm just helping him look for male stripers."

"male stripers?!" Pete said and grinned. "why didn't you say so? i know loads of male stripers!"

"it's for gerard's wedding," mikey rushed out. "and he said none of them can be white because they want to be able to see the cokane on them."

"oh." Pete blinked a few times. "um… well, are you asking me to stripe?"

"um…" mikey looked at derpy then back at Pete. "if you want to?" 

"sure i'm free," Pete said. "you wanna come in, mikeyway? i was just about to change into my swim trunks and chill in my hot tub, you're free to join me."

"um…" mikey looked at derpy and shuffled his hooves. "i can't come in, i uh…"

"we gotta get to my appointment!" derpy blurted. "we're gonna be late if we hang out."

"yeah," mikey said, going along with it. "my friend has an optometrist appointment and i have to walk her there and back since she can't see very well."

"oh," Pete said.

mikey stepped back, hesitated, then said, "i'll… i'll call you, okay? next time i'm in chicago. i'll come visit. and if it doesn't pan out, i'll still get to see you at the wedding."

"okay," Pete said and grinned at mikey. he stepped forward and raised a hoof, and mikey gave a weak smile as he bumped his hoof against Pete's. 

"see you around, mikeyway."

"you too," mikey said. derpy tugged at him, and the two walked away.

the day of the wedding was coming up soon, and mikey was freaking out. he'd talked to everyone he knew, even his twenty other ex-boyfriends, and nobody knew any male stripers who weren't white and that mikey hadn't already asked! mikey was pacing in his room, trying to think of anyone or any place he hadn't talked to. then, suddenly, gerard came in. 

"mikey!" they yelled. "have you seen my vibe rater?!"

"i didnt take your fucking vibe rater! joe biden probably stole it again go ask him!" mikey sighed and sat on his bed. "but while you're in here i need to tell you something."

"what?" gerard asked. 

"i… i can't find 7 male stripers who aren't white," mikey admitted looking at the ground. "i've looked everywhere and i talked to everyone i know and only found 3 people who would agree to it."

"oh" gerard said and shrugged. "that's okay. less people said they would come than i was expecting, anyway…"

"what?!" mikey gasped. "but it's a royal wedding!"

"yeah," gerard mused, "i think it's because pony-brony marriage is a little controversial. i don't really care." 

"so… we don't need more than 3?"

"yeah!"

"oh…" mikey smiled. "cool."

it was the day of teh royal wedding. gerard and frank were officially husband and horse, and the awesome afterparty reception was finally beginning. skyblu and redfoo and Pete Wentz came out of a cake. the music was bumpin'. 

but mikey couldn't find it in himself to care about all that. instead, he found his gaze drawn to… a certain mare throughout the ceremony.

as gerard and his new husband danced, mikey let himself drift off. he wandered onto the balcony of the palace, where he saw her- derpy hooves. she was wearing a beautiful dress and her best horseshoes. she was beautiful.

"hey derpy," mikey said, pressing his flank to hers as he sidled up alongside her. "you look gongeous."

derpy blushed like a beet and smiled at mikey. "you look hamsome."

mikey laughed a little and tapped his hoof nervously. "thanks. i, uh… wanted to thank you. for helping me make gerard's wedding perfect."

"sure, mikeyway," derpy said with a smile. "you're my friend. i couldn't just not help you."

a comfortable silence fell over the two pegasi as they leaned against each other, looking up at the same stars. after a long moment, mikey spoke up. 

"derpy, i… i have something i've wanted to tell you. for a while."

"huh?" derpy said, blushing. "i have something to tell you too."

mikey blushed. and in that moment his eyes met derpy's and they didn't have to say a word. they knew, deep down, that they were meant for each other. their lips collided in an explosion of fireworks and love and emotions and other stuff. 

Pete Wentz stood in the doorway covered in cokane.

mikey pulled away from derpy blushing, and smiled at her. then he noticed Pete. he pulled back and waved a little at Pete.

Pete smiled bittersweetly and walked over. 

"hey, mikeyway. hey, uh…"

"derpyhooves," mikey supplied, wrapping a hoof around her and pulling her closer. "you look nice."

"thanks," Pete said and shook some of the cokane out of his dark coat. "your brother is good in bed."

"i know," mikey said. 

Pete stared at him for a long moment, then asked, "are you and derpy, like… a thing?"

mikey and derpy turned to each other and locked eyes. eventually, mikey said, "i guess."

"oh…" Pete looked up at the sky, then back at derpy and mikey. "congratulations."

"thanks," derpy said. 

"i'm glad you're happy with someone new. i- i know i never could've given you what you needed. i just wanted to… you know." Pete stared at the marble floor. "if you ever want to come over and catch up. forget the way we rushed into everything, and…"

"Pete." mikey smiled and placed his hoof over Pete's. "it's okay. i forgive you. i'll come visit you. but just as friends."

"that works for me," Pete said. 

there was a moment of silence, a pause that wasn't uncomfortable at all. then skydoesminecraft came out onto the balcony with their boyfriend deadlox and they were totally makin out and it was sooooo totally grossnastay that everyone left and went inside. every mare in the room was behind gerard…

"he's about to throw the bouquet," mikey realized. 

then the bouquet flew in the air. derpy spread her wings and took to the sky, catching the bouquet in her teeth… before tripping over her own wings and tumbling to the ground. mikey quickly rushed over and caught derpy in his arms, only stumbling back a little. as he stumbled, he bumped into someone- not a pony, but a brony. he turned to face the 6-foot-tall elderly white man…

"JOE BIDEN! I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME TO MY WEDDING!" gerard shouted.

THE END