Oct. 1, 2012: Try Again
“I told you so, I told you so, I told you so,” was all Gerard would say when he picked Sonny and Joel up from the airport. And they were lucky he was doing them the favor- God knows Roadhog was having a fucking blast dealing with ticket refunds and trying to find reschedule dates for the shows they had to cancel, without worrying about transportation arrangements when Sonny told him he couldn’t see a doctor right there in Miami because yeah, I just have this really rare condition and the only guy who specializes in it is in LA. Flawless excuse, really.
“You know what, at least you’re wearing better deodorant this time. You still smell funny but it’s not as bad.”
“Thanks,” Sonny mumbled as Gerard parked the car. He didn’t have the heart to tell Gerard he was wearing the same exact deodorant he did in August.
Joel and Sonny got out of the car, and Gerard leaned out of the open window to address them.
“Hey, rockstar. When you get into Doctor Hubbard’s office, tell him Xenu sent you. He won’t talk about anything Teegeean unless you say that. It’s a security measure.”
Sonny nodded and waved to Gerard, before heading into the office. He checked in and sat down in the waiting room, eyes staring unfocused at the paintings on the wall. None of this felt real. Everything since that last show had just felt… hazy. Like a dream. The TV had been left on NBC news.
“California has become the first state in the nation to ban so-called “reparative” or conversion therapy aimed at changing a minor’s sexual orientation. Under the terms of a bill signed into law by Governor Jerry Brown on Sunday…”
“Sonny Moore-Zimmerman?”
The name felt almost like it wasn’t even his own. Sonny only realized he’d been called when Joel was pulling him up out of his seat and leading him into the back. Blood pressure, weight. Same old, same old. Nothing new, nothing different. Sonny sat on the examination table and waited for the doctor to come in, staring down at his shoes listlessly.
“Sonny?” Joel said, and it felt like he was calling out from so far away. Sonny didn’t register his presence until Joel reached forward and took his hand, thumb ghosting over his wedding ring. Sonny looked up at him.
“You’re so quiet, baby. Can you- can you talk to me?”
“Yeah,” Sonny answered, fingers closing loosely around Joel’s own. “I just don’t have anything to say.”
“Well… just say something, okay?” Joel’s voice was on the edge of cracking as he spoke. “Anything. It’s- it’s worrying me.”
“...Are you about to cry?”
Joel stiffened visibly at the question, like it was an accusation. “No, I just- You’ve been quiet and it freaks me out, that’s all.”
“Well…” Sonny shifted nervously. “Sorry. I just feel like… a passenger in my own body, lately.”
Just then, the doctor came in the room. Joel sat down in the chair as Sonny turned to face him.
“Good morning, Mr. Moore-Zimmerman. I believe I already know why you’re in here. Your onstage fainting spell the other night?”
Sonny’s eyes widened with surprise. If doctors ever recognized him, they were always very calm and professional about it. “Woah. Yeah, actually. How’d you know?”
“Skrillex is quite a famous name around here.” The doctor smiled. “My memory escapes me sometimes… you’re here on a referral from a Doctor Xenu, right?”
“...Is it really that obvious?”
“Aside from your 'stage name' and the fact that your last tour was named the mothership tour, several of my patients have reported pheromonically-induced heat cycles after attending your recent concerts. It isn’t hard to connect the dots.”
“Oh, uh… sorry.” Sonny rubbed awkwardly at his forearm.
“No need, it’s happened before.” The doctor straightened his posture and opened a new window on his computer, beginning to type. “So, tell me- when did your first and most recent heat cycle begin and end?”
“I, uh, had my first heat January 15th of this year.” Sonny shifted uncomfortably. “It’s… still ongoing, I think. I don’t feel it anymore, but- your first heat doesn’t end until pregnancy, right?”
“In males, yes.”
“And I’m not pregnant. I think. Even though we’ve been trying this whole time. My dad told me I would know if I was, no need to take a test.”
“He’s right.” The doctor got to typing. “When did your heat symptoms begin to subside?”
“Um… I saw a loss of appetite around August, but my sex drive didn’t start waning until last week. And sometime in between, my pheromones got less potent, I think…”
The doctor sucked in a sharp breath as he started to type some more. “Alright.”
“That’s not good, is it?” Joel cut in.
“Not in a first-time heat, no.” The doctor pushed out his rolling stool and got up, putting on a pair of gloves before walking over to Sonny. “I’m going to do a quick examination of your pheromonal glands, then take some blood samples and do an ultrasound. Is that alright with you?”
“I always figured my first ultrasound would be a little different,” Sonny muttered. “Sure.”
Through thick and tense silence, the doctor pressed at several different spots around the base of Sonny’s neck. It was an odd sensation- bordering on erotic, actually. Sonny wondered if this was how Joel felt when the other doctor up in Toronto was examining his balls.
“ Ah-” Sonny gasped, against his own will. The doctor didn’t pay any mind to it.
“Yeah, be careful around there. That’s the spot that makes him-”
“ Shut up, Joel! ”
“They’re erogenous zones for all Teegeeans. It’s no more uncomfortable for me than a prostate exam, don’t worry.”
Sonny blushed a fierce red as the doctor pulled his hands away, took a quick sniff of his fingertips, and then discarded his gloves.
“They appear to be inflamed, not too bad but definitely cause for concern.” The doctor gestured for Sonny to follow him. “We’ll have a nurse take your blood and do the ultrasound, and when you’re done with those, please come back into my office to discuss the immediate results.”
“Isn’t that the kind of thing you normally call a patient about?”
The doctor grinned in an almost sleazy manner. “Not for my Teegeean patients. Thank George Bush.”
After getting his arm stabbed and the weirdest, coldest fucking jelly spread all over his stomach, Sonny was very happy to be back on the examination table in Doctor Hubbard’s office again. Joel’s hand ran tenderly along Sonny’s forearm as they waited for the doctor to come back in.
“Now we have a doctor, everything will be just fine, I promise,” Joel assured. “He’s probably already figured out why you’re not pregnant yet.”
“I fucking hope so…” Sonny muttered, leaning into Joel’s touch.
The door opened, and the doctor returned with a small stack of papers.
“Alright, I have… mostly bad news, but the good news is I can prescribe you some things to help. You appear to have what I call an ‘activated immune system’. Basically, your immune system is somewhat of an overachiever. It’s disposed to attack anything that it sees as even potentially foreign.” His gaze turned to Joel. “This can include almost all forms of human genetic material.”
“So, like, jizz,” Joel prompted.
“Yes, including semen.” The doctor moved over to put his papers away into a filing cabinet. “What we could do about that is either find a Teegeean sperm donor-”
“ No, ” Sonny interjected, firmly.
“-or, I could prescribe immune suppressants. This isn’t ideal, because you’ll become very prone to illness, and illnesses can become more severe than they would be- and it might make this next condition worse. You’re currently suffering from the early stages of hormone toxicity. That is, the heat-causing hormones are building up inside your body to a degree that is toxic to the Teegeean body.” The doctor turned to face Sonny and Joel, a deathly-serious expression on his face. “Untreated, it can be lethal, and it progresses very quickly once it begins to set in. Skrillex, your body is already beginning to crack under the concentration of these hormones-”
“Give me the immune suppressants,” Sonny insisted.
“Sonny, you don’t have to-”
“Joel,” Sonny cut him off, taking Joel’s hand in his. “Our baby is going to be ours. Not me and some fucking alien chick I and our child will never know. I’d rather die than do that.”
“Young love is so sweet,” Doctor Hubbard sighed, sitting back down at his desk and clacking away at the keys. “Here, I’m writing the prescription now. Pick them up at the pharmacy immediately, don’t wait. You might want to pick something up over-the-counter for your libido while you’re there. I wouldn’t normally suggest it, but your situation is… extreme. You’ll need to be very sexually active to make up for the time you’ve lost.”
“Thank you,” Sonny sighed.