Dec. 25, 2012: Leave Me Like This

“Oh my god, it has Meowingtons on it!” Joel exclaimed, the note of childlike glee in his voice barely concealed as he held up a pillow. Sonny giggled at his excitement as he watched.

The couple were spending the holidays with Mr. and Mrs. Moore, Sonny’s adoptive parents. For two reasons- because they weren’t sure how much time Sonny had left, and to stay closer to Doctor Hubbard. 

It was a solemn reasoning, and unfortunately as an ER nurse Sonny’s sister was unable to get out of working that morning, but the Christmas spirit was undeterred as the four of them sat around the tree opening presents. 

Sonny’s mother nudged him as she gestured toward the last gift under the tree. It was from her to him, and she’d insisted they leave it for last. “Go on, open up yours now.”

Sonny smiled up at his mom and reached over to pull the present closer. Joel sat next to him, one arm wrapped around his new Meowingtons pillow and the other busy dipping one of Mrs. Moore’s homemade cookies into a glass of milk. Leaning against Joel, Sonny undid the ribbon atop the box and opened it. Inside were three books. Sonny pulled them out and looked at the covers. A pregnancy cookbook, a mother’s guide to a first-time pregnancy, and a book of parenting advice. Sonny looked back up at his mother.

“I always thought I would be able to get pregnant, so I got all these books when we were still trying…” Mrs. Moore smiled bittersweetly. “I found them in the back of the closet a couple months after your wedding and I thought… you’d get more use out of them than I ever did.”

“Thanks, Mom…” Sonny shifted, if a bit nervously. Joel recognized the look on his face. That was the face Sonny made when he was pretending to like a gift he actually hated.

The truth was, Sonny had become certain by now that he wouldn’t get pregnant, and he wasn’t trying very hard to change that fact. His symptoms worsened over time. Occasional headaches and nausea had blossomed into daily migraines and an inability to keep almost anything down. If he did anything more strenuous than walking, Sonny would become incredibly lightheaded. Even when all he did was walking, if it was more than a block he’d have to lean on someone to steady himself. The only thing harder for Joel to watch than Sonny’s condition worsening by the day was his reluctance to keep taking his medicine. And good luck catching him on a day he felt good enough to have sex, either.

“I need to go lay down,” Sonny announced, without much fanfare. “Could someone help me up?”

Mr. Moore made his way over to wrap his arms around his son, carefully lifting him to his feet while Mrs. Moore watched on sympathetically. 

“You go get some rest, Sonny-bunny. I’ll bring your presents to your room and get you a drink.”

“Thank you…”

Joel frowned. He grabbed his milk, got up, and followed Sonny along as his dad escorted him to his childhood bedroom, which had now become a guest room. As they walked, Joel couldn’t help but think back to their wedding day. How gorgeous Sonny had looked walking down the aisle alongside his father, how spritely and healthy he was back then as compared to now. It broke his heart just to watch. 

They entered the bedroom and Sonny laid down, letting his father tuck him in. Joel sat his glass on the nightstand and took his place on the other side of the bed, one hand carding lovingly through Sonny’s hair. 

“Thank you…” Sonny muttered, following it up immediately with a cough. He groaned and reached out for Joel, who shuffled closer to Sonny until he could rest his head in his lap.

“Can I get you anything?” Mr. Moore asked, quietly. 

“Maybe… close the blinds for me,” Sonny requested, letting his eyes fall shut. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what, kid? Ain’t your fault you’re sick.” 

“I just feel like I’m burdening you.”

“You’re not,” Mr. Moore assured as he closed the blinds. Mrs. Moore came in just then with Sonny’s presents and sat them on the dresser, then brought a glass of water to the bedside.

“Thanks, Mom,” he mumbled as she sat it down.

“Of course, Sonny-bunny. Can I do anything else?”

“No, no, that’s okay…” Sonny curled up against Joel. “Can I be alone?”

“You want me to go, too? Joel asked.

“Not you …”

“Oh, I understand. Come on, hubby, let’s give them some privacy.” Mrs. Moore gestured for her husband, and together, the both of them left Sonny and Joel alone in the guest room.

In the darkness, Sonny coughed. Joel sighed and leaned down to kiss him, but paused as he noticed something. He let his hand wander up to Sonny’s forehead.

“You’re burning up, Son.”

“I know…” Sonny shifted under the covers and tugged at Joel’s pajama shirt. Joel, obediently, got under the covers as well and laid next to Sonny, wrapping an arm around his torso to hold him close. Sonny was awfully clingy as of late, he’d noticed. 

“You know, maybe we should go back to Doctor Hubbard and…”
“No,” Sonny said, firmly. “Don’t even suggest it. I’m not doing that.”

“Baby, you haven’t even felt good enough to have sex in a month. It’ll be… easier on you.”

“I grew up not knowing my biological parents and as much as I love my mom, I wouldn’t even wish half of that on someone.” 

“But you can leave me with the heartache of losing you.” 

“Joel…” Sonny let out a deep sigh, grip on Joel tightening. “That’s not what I mean. Not at all.” 

“It feels like you’ve just given up on living.”

Sonny was quiet for a long moment after that, rubbing the fabric of Joel’s pajama top between his fingers as he thought of what to say. 

“I tried for a year, Joel. I’m sorry, but I’m tired. I’m so, so tired. You’re just going to have to learn to say goodbye.”

“You have to keep trying, Sonny. Come on.” Joel sat up just a little straighter, looking down on Sonny, the way his hair fell into his face- it’d been a minute since he washed it. Joel had been insisting on helping him shower since a couple weeks ago when his legs gave in on him while he was washing up by himself, and Sonny really didn’t like accepting the help.

“My body aches, constantly. My head hurts and I can’t eat anything without throwing it all up again.” Sonny sighed, fists balling into the sheets. “If I had sex in this state I’d be miserable the whole time and given our track record, it would just be pointless anyway.”

“But what if this time it isn’t, Sonny?”

“And what if it isn’t? I get pregnant and I have to carry a baby while trying not to pass out every time I get up?” Sonny’s voice was quiet so he wouldn’t make his own headache worse, but both of them knew he wanted to scream. “It’s not happening because it’s not going to, okay? It’s not meant to happen, and I don’t even want it to anymore. You’re bad news, Joel. My parents were right. We were never going to have a family together.”

“Yeah, they know a lot about families seeing as they abandoned their kid!” Joel snapped, and in a moment of anger, he slapped Sonny. Sonny gasped out in pain as he collapsed face-first into the bedsheets. Joel knew that he was doing something wrong, that he shouldn’t have hit Sonny. That he was going to make his headache worse. That he should apologize.

But he didn’t. It would hurt so much worse to let the wall come crumbling down and admit that what he just did was unjustified, controlled by his heart and not his head.

Joel climbed on top of Sonny, a growl in his voice as he said, “I’m not going to lose you, Sonny. You’re going to live, dammit, whether you want to or not.”

Sonny didn’t answer. He’d curled in on himself, scared, defensive. 

Joel felt like his hands moved without him. It was like all he could see in that moment was Sonny, curled up on the bedsheets, refusing to help himself or listen to reason- that’s all Joel was doing, he told himself. Helping. It was like giving a kid their flu shot. He didn’t want it, but it was what he needed. He’d die without it. Joel was helping him.

Whether he wanted it or not.