Feb. 28, 2013: The 16th Hour

There was a vase of flowers sitting on the nightstand, and Sonny was half convinced by the sight that he was already dead.

Currently, he and Joel were alone in the room. The clock read 4:27, and Sonny’s sister had just left. She’d left the flowers. Joel wasn’t sure if they had meanings or what. Sonny asked her to leave, eventually, because his headache was coming back in full force and her voice was so high it hurt to listen to. The painkillers didn’t work anymore. At some point, Sonny had started shivering even under so many blankets.

It hurt Joel to watch, but he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Sonny alone once the guilt of having done this to him set in. 

He hadn’t slept in days. When he could get some fitful rest, it wasn’t unless he was next to Sonny. 

Joel forced his eyes open, half dozed-off in his chair. Sonny was curled up beneath the covers, and he was shivering again.

Wordlessly, Joel got into the bed with Sonny, pulling him into his arms to warm him up. His skin felt cold to the touch. It always did these days. 

“I’m here,” Joel muttered against the silence, words addressed half to nobody and half to himself. What was there left to say? 

Sonny didn’t have the strength to return Joel’s affection. That was okay, Joel told himself, because he’d given enough. Joel’s hands ran, warm and welcome, across Sonny’s frigid skin. He could tell it did something to help, because Sonny relaxed when he touched him. The shivering died down, slowly but not completely. Eventually, Joel’s hands stopped on the coldest part of Sonny’s arm, content just to hold him. Joel leaned down and buried a kiss in Sonny’s hair. 

“I’m sorry,” Joel said, eventually. His voice was soft. “I should have listened to you.”

Sonny looked up at Joel, as if just realizing he was there, his eyes wide and innocent. 

“Oh, it’s… okay…” Sonny sounded like he was struggling to place the words in his head into his mouth. It sounded like that a lot these days. “I just want one thing…”

“Anything, baby.”

“Move on.” Sonny closed his eyes.

Joel faltered. He wasn’t sure he could move on. Sonny was the love of his life. That was never in question. Sure, he might have done some stupid things over the years, he might have hurt Sonny but never with intent. Joel didn’t know what love really was until Sonny had stolen his heart. 

But he had said anything…

“I’ll try,” he promised.